Hey, Waitress

I never really had a nickname until college. People just called me Jessica, and when I moved to Austin, I shortened my name to Jess. I was bestowed a few nicknames by new friends in college: Beast, Jess-Sex-Fayce (I never quite understood that one,) and Jestabeast. When B & I started dating, I received even more nicknames: Cake, Babycakes, Cakey (you see a theme).

I’ve been waitressing for almost half my life, starting when I was thirteen, and when faced with the expenses of living on my own in Austin, I returned to my old safety net of the service industry. My reemergence on the restaurant scene earned me a new nickname: Waitress. Or, alternatively: “Hey, Waitress,” “Excuse Me, Miss.” and “Hey, Sorry.”

The very fact that I wear this other persona, this other name, never really bothered me. In fact, I felt some comfort, some reprieve in this “other” me, this person who was witty, and cute, and surprisingly clever. The girl the boys wanted to date, but knew their parents would never allow such a pairing.

I was a waitress, and I was okay with it.

Some of you know that I’ve been waitressing this summer. Money’s been tight, I’ve been out of work, and B’s been wrapping up his dissertation. I thought it would be good to get a summer job. So, after a two-year “I’ll never be a waitress again”-stint, I put on my apron.

It hasn’t been so bad, really. It’s been a reminder that, yes, I am capable of making money in a pinch, and yes, I still don’t want to be a waitress for the rest of my life. (Sometimes it’s just as important to remember the things you don’t want to do, as it is to realize those that you do.) And despite my understanding that this is just a temporary solution to a temporary problem, there is a part of me that feels deep shame.

Shame in the fact that I’m serving people, anticipating their every need, and being beckoned like a personal assistant. In a fit of desperation I shot B a text: “I feel like waitressing is being rented out as a servant for a few hours,” he responded with a “lol,” and reassurance that it’s “not that bad.” It’s really not in the grand scheme of things. I get it.

The rational side of me that is able to change into my waitress garb two-to-three times a week for my shift is in control most of the time, but occasionally a friend or acquaintance will come into the bar. When this happens, there’s always this moment of panic, “what do they think of me?” I always wonder, filled with the most gruesome of thoughts: “poor,” “dirty,” “desperate,” “failure,” “ruined,” these sort of self-loathing words swirl through my head, along with B’s assessment of my worries.

“You’re not a failure because you’re waiting tables,” he’ll say, “there’s no shame in the service industry.”

God bless him for being so optimistic, I always think, but I know he’s wrong. The inevitable awkward chatter about “oh, I didn’t know you were working here,” ensues, but as soon as it’s over, I am able to disappear, only to re-emerge for a wave of the hand at the end of the night.

I was met with this situation a couple of weeks ago. It was my last shift before our much-needed vacation in Vancouver, and, despite my towering list of to-do’s before the trip, I needed the shift. The whole night was a terror: my section was empty for hours, the power went out for a long period of time (have to love those rolling black-outs!), and a group of former co-workers (from the evil cult I worked for) came in for happy hour.

To preface this story I’d like to say that I adore each and every one of these people. They are all very talented, interesting, intelligent people that I once had the pleasure of working with. I think we made a good team, and given the opportunity, I would love to work with them again. They’re good people, and they’ve all been through rough times, so I in no way think they would be rude or ill-mannered toward me. I was genuinely happy to see them, and despite my knee-jerk waitress bolt, I would love to catch up. (Brunch soon?)

That said, I had my normal reaction to seeing them.

“And now __, __, and __ are here. My life is awesome,” I texted B in a hurry.

He responded with his normal, “it’s not that bad, they’re nice people,” and I got busy avoiding them.

To be fair, I was working, but with one table and no side work left to do, I definitely could have stuck around for a chat. My choice not to was purely out of embarrassment at having to explain my situation. When they moved outside, close to my section, I knew it was time to bite the bullet and play nice.

“Hey, Jess, I want you to meet my friends, __, ___, and __. Jess used to work with __ and __ at that nightmare job,” said __.

I gave the waitress wave, self-conscious about the misting of sweat that had emerged over my entire body.

“Oh, I’ve heard the horror stories. What did you do there?”

“I was the art director,” I replied, proud of myself for having a title I could sink my teeth into. I prattled on about how awful the work situation was, realizing that she’d been given the full scoop.

“So now you’re a … waitress?” Asked one of my new acquaintances.

He asked it, but it was more like a statement, a reminder to myself that, yes, in my previous life I was titled, and salaried, and important, but now, at this moment, I was a waitress. The person who cleans the ashtrays at the end of the night. The girl who re-stocks the toilet paper.

The disdain in his voice told me that he not only had never even considered the idea of waiting tables, but that he saw the decline of someone who used to be important into the service industry was just unimaginable. I felt like I had just told him I’m a prostitute.

But because it was, at heart, a question, I felt inclined to answer. Through the shock of such absence of manners, and the fear of being thought of as lesser-than by people whom I’ve considered my peers, I did my song and dance.

“Yes, for now, but I’m actually working as the art director at a magazine for UT students, we’re just on break, for the summer, so yeah, I’m working here for the summer, but I’m actually working as an art director, for a student paper, at UT, for students…”

I don’t know what actually came out of my mouth, but I’m pretty sure it was something like that. I was absolutely stricken by his utter disregard for my comfort. I fought off tears, and pushed through the last three hours of my shift, his question pulsing through my veins, clouding my thoughts, tripping me up.

I didn’t know anything about this person, I don’t even remember his name, and if he were to come in to the bar during my next shift, I wouldn’t recognize him. But he, despite not knowing me, was able to realize my greatest fear and materialize it. Here I was, broken down, self-conscious about my place in the world, and I was forced to justify my life decisions to a stranger, as well as people whose opinions matter to me.

I know there’s probably some big lesson here, to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, be proud of who you are because you work hard and deserve respect, but in this moment in time, I was a waitress, and I’ll remain that way, immortal. And I’ve never felt lower.

So the next time you’re out, drinking cocktails and sucking down oysters, remember to be nice to your wait staff, and maybe even look her in the eye. Chances are she’s just as interesting, stylish, learned, and passionate as you are. And never, ever make her feel like less. You might one day find yourself answering to “hey, waitress,” too.

jessy

Don’t ever be ashamed of being able to support your family. The shameful people in this story are those who charge students out the ass for a college education, who worked to deregulate higher education, so tuition got higher as grant opportunities dried up over the last 10 years, but continue to blame the workers. You two are investing in a future while somebody gets fat off your interest payments (well, fat at first and then lippo’d later). Not to mention the millions of other institutional hurdles, but I digress.

Anyway, f that guy. If he has a job that requires him to think before speaking, you can bet he’ll lose it.
http://darlinglola.blogspot.com Laura K

Oh yuck. Sounds like Mr. “So What Do YOU Do” will go far with that patronizing attitude.
I’ve always said that waiting should be compulsory for any American, for at least a 6-month stretch, in order to teach empathy, courtesy and how completely horrid it is to camp out for 3 hours during the dinner rush. But maybe too, people would learn that waiting isn’t actually the worst thing someone could choose to do with their time.
http://profiles.google.com/jesscp Jess Pendleton Caraway

Agreed. It’s not shameful. The shameful thing is being such an ass.
http://www.hellowifeonline.com Jess

I like the idea of requiring service industry for everyone. It chills my blood when a friend is rude to waitstaff. It’s the worst kind of ugly.
http://www.hellowifeonline.com Jess

That’s probably true. I’d rather not have to work 12-hour days, thank you. :)
http://www.trophyboutique.com Laurel

Well this certainly strikes at a very sensitive chord for me, having spent the last 8 months taking retail shifts while starting my own business. My coworkers are sometimes up to 12 years younger than me, and I feel completely ashamed of this about every other day. My last job was as a hospice social worker. My coworkers were doctors and nurses and I cared for over 40 patients at a time. Now I sell jewelry to people who sometimes treat me like I am a total loser idiot. I fight the urge to tell people that I went to a few fancy schools, and that I have my own business, because to me it sounds desperate and insecure right before it comes out of my mouth. But the other days I feel fine because my 20 year-old coworkers are funny and actually smart, I know the job is temporary, and it’s Austin and it’s okay. It’s okay! But I still hide if a doctor I used to work with walks in…
Celestemroberts

The shameful thing is those who chose not to work at all and collect welfare! That makes me so angry. I could never disrespect anyone for honest hard work no matter what! And you know what else? I know which company you are referring too, and my guess is you are making more money than him and working fewer hours, so screw him!
Avalos Dr

I’ve spent years waiting tables and have felt the highs n lows. In the end u have to look at what u take away, developing ur witty persona, connections w ur co-workers that no one outside the industry can understand, a good work ethic, and lil extra change in ur pocket. Being a “rented servant” for 4-8 $’s at a time is not easy to accept but in the end u answer to no one but urself. Hope the piece of mind will deafen the throbbing self doubts allowing u to hold ur chin up when u reply “I’m a waitress, I’m making extra $, and I like to work around people. Try it sometime it’ll add substance to ur life.”
Anonymous

Oh Jess, I hate to think you would ever feel that way and yet I sometimes have similar feelings about what I’m doing now compared to my former career in engineering.
Thanks for being so honest – I know I’m kind to the service employees I meet but it’s a good reminder to be a little extra smiley.
http://www.hellowifeonline.com Jess

Thanks for sharing that with me! The funny thing is, the night all this went down, I totally saw you at my bar and didn’t say hi. Next time I won’t feel so weird. Thanks :)
http://www.shemovedtotexas.com Lauren

I think we both know you’re much better having to do ANY job on the side than working in that hell hole.

I have a lot of respect for waitresses, because I would be so god awful at the job. Not one of my talents, not by a long shot. Plus if someone is mean to you, just do something to their food :-D
http://www.trophyboutique.com Laurel

Please do! We never see each other and we should! Now I am trying to guess which bar it is….
http://beyourpet.com Brittanie

there’s a lot of dicks out there. but i bet more often than not, especially when you’re recognized by someone you know, people just act weird or short because they’re self conscious themselves. it’s kind of embarrassing to go to a restaurant and order a bunch of food and eat in front of someone you know, to leave your messy plates and used utensils behind. kind of makes you feel like a farm animal….
plus there’s the small talk. i hate small talk, so for me personally, i hate having to talk to people that are “serving” me, because i don’t like them to feel so belittled that they have to talk to me when i know they’d rather be somewhere else. which is why i really don’t like being served at all. cos i don’t like that *they* feel uncomfortable, and i basically want to just say “it’s okay, you don’t have to get that for me, just hand me a plate, i’ll still tip you”.
but maybe i’m the exception, i guess a lot of people like being served because otherwise it wouldn’t be so popular. plus i can’t think of any time i ever thought ill of a waiter or bartender. they usually actually have an aura of coolness to them…

but whoever that person was, they clearly were either socially retarded or just accidently put their foot in their mouth. you’d have to be pretty dumb to think that someone as talented and attractive as you, doesn’t have higher aspirations than waitressing. or that you couldn’t easily get more “impressive” jobs if you *really* wanted to put the effort in. you know waitressing, it’s easy for you to get a job waitressing, and it’s a clean break when you’re done with it. so of course you’re going to do that. if people don’t understand that just because they’ve never waitressed, it’s their utter obliviousness to notice how the world works. when you’re 25 and you don’t particularly feel like compromising a bunch of morals or kissing a bunch of ass, you get a service job to pay the bills until your talent-required work comes together (and it always does)… so don’t let it get to you too much. <3
http://rachelgettingfashion.wordpress.com/ rachel

i did the whole waitress thing, too. it was humbling, especially while i took a semester off from college; it brought me to realize i needed to go back to school.

now, i’m doing retail WITH a college degree. i’m constantly fighting every thought in my mind about how this sucks, i didn’t go to school to be a *sales associate*, i’m talked to like i’m dumb, deal with customers who try to scam the retail system, etc.

i guess what i’m trying to say is, it is hard to pull your bootstraps up and be proud of who you are at times. things will get a lot better and when they do, i’ll be the first one to say that i made it through a little rainstorm.
http://www.hellowifeonline.com Jess

The Pourhouse over on Burnet.
http://www.hellowifeonline.com Jess

Aw :) Thanks sis. This post ended up sounding really whiny and self-loathing, but you know I’m the cockiest person I know!
http://www.hellowifeonline.com Jess

It blows my mind that college was sold to everyone as this “way to get ahead,” and now even my husband — who has a PhD! — can’t find a job. I guess it all boils down to networking and being a go-getter. Thanks for sharing!
http://sableandsage.blogspot.com/ D’Andra

OMG! I’m sure you have seen me and my obnoxious friends there. They go a lot. Sometimes I try to join them.
http://sableandsage.blogspot.com/ D’Andra

Never be ashamed of taking care of your family. It takes a strong woman to do whatever it takes to provide for her loved ones. I try to not let others opinions or views of me alter how I feel about myself. I like the person I’ve become. Sometimes it’s hard to feel that way when others are trying to bring you down. I just remind myself why am I letting someone else “tell” me how I should feel about myself. Keep your chin up girl! You are such a wonderfully sweet person don’t let crappy people bring you down.
http://profiles.google.com/hangingwithhawlie Hawlie Howson

This was a really great post .
When I graduated from college all I could find for the first year was the retail job I had gotten right out of high school. Right by the neighborhood I grew up in. So all the parents of my former classmates growing up would come in and I’d be working there and they’d tell me all about what their kids were up to. I hated it.
More than that I hated how horribly retail people are treated. I started at a fast food restaurant at age 14, then later retail and I cannot believe how horrible a huge portion of the population is. I always keep in mind how much I hated how people treated me that even if I’m having a terrible day, I still try to be pleasant to waiters, grocery store clerks, etc. If it is a fast food restaurant, cafe, whatever, I always bus my own table.
I agree with one of the other commenters – everyone should have to work retail/service industry jobs to learn empathy and compassion.
Krista Cheech

What a beautifully eloquent post. I have to say I envy you and relate to you all at once. My ex was what I used to call a “career waiter.” I was with him for 10 years. He never went to college. Meanwhile, I went to college and pursued my dream while he always made twice as much as I did. We sacrificed a lot. Mostly time together and trips we never took. Whenever I met someone new, I felt compelled to explain what he did for a living. “He’s worked for amazing chefs, he works in fine dining, he’s a career waiter, he makes way more than I could imagine!” Why did I have to make excuses for him? Because I felt like people looked down on him.

We’re no longer together, for very good reasons, but one was never what he did for a living. In fact, years later, I envy the skills he learned in his profession. Relationship building, he never met a person who didn’t like him and always had the best advice for me as I tried to build my career. Problem solving, when shit hit the fan, he knew exactly what to do. Multitasker, though he might have had a million things on his plate (literally and figuratively), he could tackle them all without a second thought and with pretty low stress. Nothing was insurmountable. Caregiver. He genuinely LOVED to take care of people and was really good at it. Listener. So self explanatory, but a skill MANY of us lack. And it’s not like I necessary lack any of those skills, I just haven’t mastered them either. I’m in awe of people who can do all of those things at once with confidence and a positive attitude.

Of all the people I’ve come in contact with, those who’ve been servers are the most well rounded people I know. They learned, sometimes the hard way, how to be humble, accommodating, caring and how to be great listeners. I don’t believe I’ve ever been to a restaurant and treated someone with anything but mutual respect. I mean, isn’t there some quote about watching how people treat waiters? I couldn’t find it online but I did find this:
http://www.usatoday.com/money/companies/management/2006-04-14-ceos-waiter-rule_x.htm

Regardless, though we all tend to be hard on ourselves, just know that right now you’re building character. Which clearly, too many people are lacking these days. I kind of want to go to where you work just to cheer you on! xoxo
http://www.hellowifeonline.com Jess

Thanks for sharing that story! I have known many career waiters as I’ve worked in and out of bars and fine dining establishments, and you’re right: they have a skill that most people just don’t have, a sort of quiet regard for others that helps them cope with problems. I also learned a lot working in fine dining (I dined on potted foie gras for the better part of a year — to tell the truth I was a little spoiled!), and wouldn’t give up that experience for the world. I don’t judge those who choose to stay in the industry — it can be quite lucrative — but certainly, on a personal level, feel it’s time for me to go. Thanks again :)
http://www.hellowifeonline.com Jess

That sounds terrible! I, too, found that many, many people are just total jerks. Especially when I worked at a certain “frat bar” near campus (coughcainandabelscough). The types of people that would come in were so entitled, so self-important, and then they’d slap their daddy’s credit card on the table and leave me a buck. I made some of my best friends working there, but I know what really brought us together was the trauma of dealing with horrible people day in, day out!
http://bellavogue.blogspot.com ThatChelseaGirl

Wow. I can relate to this, although I haven’t been a waitress since moving back to Texas three years ago (I find it appalling that the state of TX allows waitresses and waiters to be paid less than federal minimum wage). I was a waitress for 8 years. I have had some of the worst things happen to me while being a waitress, yet it’s made me the person I am today. Keep your head up, Jess. You’re amazing and talented, and good for you, keeping a job instead of not having a job. Please don’t ever let someone make you feel like you’re less of a person because of that. You’re truly an inspiration and the customers, people who point out silly things like your current job status, all they are is rude.
Tob. Funke

I wish I was there to honey badger the shit out of them. You know, I get that same look and tone, except it is packaged in the phrase, “You still work at _______.” A job doesn’t define me, and it could never define you. Your character will always eclipse whatever is printed on your business card (Mine says Analrapist). You posses such talent and passion. My advice to everyone is, get to know your next waitress/waiter. If they are half as interesting as my friend Jess here, you will not regret it. And above all else, treat them as equals. Love you Jess.
Kait

loved this post!!
http://rachelinaustin.blogspot.com Rachel

You’re such a great storyteller! It will all be worth it.
kait

girl come back! we miss you!
Katymccully

I came across your blog when I googled “pomahuahua” lol! Not sure how that fits in with your blog, yet, as I haven’t had a chance to read your other posts.

If I were to write about my career as a server, my story would mirror yours in many ways. I, too, have been doing this far too long. I’m 30, a mother of two beautiful daughters, and a full-time student. I’ve been waiting tables since I was 18, but in the industry since I was 15. Reading about how you felt when you ran into ex co-workers or friends is something I can relate to; nothing makes you feel like a total pile of sh*& quite like the encounter with an old acquaintance. I’ve had the pleasure of running into people I’ve known since elementary school, and they’ve been so happy to tell about their wonderful careers as a lawyer, dentist, etc. The look you’re given when they see you in your beautiful uniform is just…priceless.

Remind yourself, as I do, that although that girl that was your high school valedictorian and is now making $100 K + as a surgeon, her husband is probably cheating on her and her 4-year-old is still in diapers. Is that too mean? Yeah, maybe, but if it makes you feel better about your current status, then by all means, dream away! :)